If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Dick very happy bro
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
