If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
