I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
