So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
