Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
