i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
It was confusing and full of hummus
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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