How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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