Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize