I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
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