I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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