there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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