blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
