u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize