I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
