sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
