I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
