went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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