WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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