i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
