I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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