im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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