just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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