you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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