I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
