Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
They are going to name an STD after you.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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