ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize