You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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