If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
