Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
