Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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