I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
