If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
