you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
i believe in u and ur pee
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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