Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
