doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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