he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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