take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
