Betty ford says i'm here all night
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
