I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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