come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize