I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
