Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
