You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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