My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
