i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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