first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
i believe in u and ur pee
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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