so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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