i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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