U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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