I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
