Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize