epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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