Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
