It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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