After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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