There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
