I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
