Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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