Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
