The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
