I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I need a beard to bite.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
